I want you all to learn a new acronym with me, it goes like this:

• Sassy
• Bitches
• Don't
• Do
• Dishes

These shenanigans have just gone to ridiculous new heights:

• Logan, Freddie, and Eric attempted to summon the Incan king/warrior/all around macho-man Pachacuti in what can best be described as a "retard blood sacrifice." This ritual consisted of Logan making up a ritual, and then freaking out when he or anyone else tried to cut him with the knife. Fortunately for me, they were using my new, good (if dull) IKEA knife which I just bought a few months ago. Great. Now it's tasted blood during a demonic retard ritual meant to summon and invite possession by a one of the world's more forgettable emperors. So pretty much everything it cooks will be cannibal food from now on. Fucking thanks, Freddie and Logan. Thanks for guaranteeing our apartment will be haunted, and for turning one of my knives evil.


• One of my older, cheaper knives has been bent to the point that its blade is not safe to use. It was bent when someone stacked 4 days worth of dishes on top of it instead of cleaning up. Assholes.


• You assholes cooked in my teflon with metal, thanks a lot, douchebags.


• The dishes in the first picture above have been sitting in the sink for 4 days. We have a strict 24 hour rule, people, this is fucking gross.

This is bullshit.

Also, whoever keeps leaving the sponge all wet in the sink: no. This is totally gross and harbors all kinds of germs, asshole. Wring it out and perch it on top of the sink, you fucking assclown.

Fire Island: The Awakening

So a lot of drama has happened in the first 3 weeks of Fire Island's existance as an incorporated apartment. Things took a stunning turn earlier this week when things got nasty, and I had to form an alliance against that sassy bitch, Brian. I narrowly escaped being voted off. Things around here turned faster than ripe goat-cheese left in the sun at a Napa Winetasting Picnic!

Things are mostly better now, and we've managed to patch things up as a tribe. Several group projects are in the works such as:

• Official Tribal Banner (with puffy paint and sparkles).
• Designing our living room/breakfast nook (I have been spearheading our interior design efforts, just you wait and see how fabulous this is all going to be!).
• End of Summer Party.

The last one is kind of important, as we have been such busy little bees, we haven't been able to throw a little house warming soirée!

This is, as the French (and my hairdresser!) say, une travestie magnifique! However, as this has been such an important summer (a summer of changes for us all), let me be the first to tell you: mark your calendars for Friday, the 22nd of September. This is the day before the equinox, and the last, glimmering evening of the Summer. We'll have torches, a DJ, cabana boys, and of course, the whole Fire Island crew to celebrate with!

I've got to run, as even though my break gapes wider than Paris Hilton, I have other errands to do. I'll try and get the bitches lathered up about blogging, and maybe you'll see more dispatches from our little cabin before the week is out.

Stay sassy!